divineblade77's Journal

Drained...
"Why can some never be content with what they have? They toil throughout their lives and in the end they break."

This what a saved draft for..... months i think, i dont know if i ever posted it or what i was gonna say, but when i look at it now, i read it as why dont we appreciate things... why dont we see what it right in front of us until it changes, we think we dont take it for granite but we do, we do.

I just seem to be making one mistake after another, how selfish right? thinking about myself.

Even when i try doing things for others, i just mess it up, i dont try to, but i do none the less.

What is different, what has changed?

That list could take a while, but i like the additions, well some of them, but a lot has come as well that i would rather get rid of.

But i love Laurel, and i will always love her. And i will do what i can to keep being who i am, and not change like i saw i was doing.

I... dont know what else i wanted to say, brenda's here, talking with my mom.
Drained....

you
I have you, what else could i need. The time with you is undescribable. I feel so loved, so much like i belong, like its right. I enjoy and cherish every second of it. I never want to leave your side.

Like earlier today, before u came back, i didnt feel right being where i was at all, i needed to be with you and i was.

My heart will always be with you, and i am yours

For all the evaders....
If something may be on your mind, let it be known, for keeping everything to yourself is never good, if u prefer to differ from my point, then give reason, for behind mine is backed with a fair amount of it.

As with footprints, we can try to cover up where we came from, but nothing is ever lost in time, so why try to make it disappear, as with others, take yourself with everything that u came from, going to, and will be.

Erase the facade, before it is yanked from beneath you

Im sorry.... but your cats just freak me out....

there was a time....

Kansas city shuffle.

Too many thoughts, how may one attain what they call enlightenment.

Sleep now

Laurel, may u rest as u should, for u deserve it

Let the edges get ruffles, ridges, wet, and torn, for the center stays strong.

School so far not to bad, nothing too much more than expected. Finally got a grip more or less, just trying to not be lazy, trying.

Some things for which there are no explanation, for none is needed, and as such i will give none.

The rain, oh how i miss the rain, and the snow, and everything else, that we havent seen in forever. But i know that rain is sooner than snow, but snow is not coming soon i think

The time...
Summer will always seem like it is too short, but if u are one of the many that think that then you had a great summer, you enjoyed every minute of it. So much that u didnt even know it was getting later in the year.

So do not dread school or anything you may have to do, cause u will have time for that again, and more summer to spend with family, with friends, with loved ones, to do the things that you love to do, and spend it with the people that mean the most to you.

Without knowledge ignorance rules, but without friends, and without loved ones we have nothing.

Realize what you have now, and cherish it, embrace it. Realize how important it is to you. I already have done that. So i know whats most important in my life; and there is no way in hell im gonna let it pass me by.

for those slow and sad days...
I just have to listen to Hinder or Vega 4.

Its amazing, just from hearing 2 songs particularity i start smiling immediately.

School in 2 days, i need finish reading. helped laurel pack part of her room, and i learned how to sew, i think long as it turns out good. lol.

You are so cute when u sleep :)

Laurel i love you, You mean the world to me, i cant find words to explain how much u mean to me

Had a entry previously. a few days ago, only up for about 30 mins. Then the need for it passed.

School, 9 days? reading

Went out to dinner with Laurel, first tried to do it on our 3-month. didnt work out :( so tried a week later, couldnt again, i felt so bad, like it was all my fault i hated moving. just to much stuff. and it made me miss the dinner :(

So we went out 2 days after that, to Olive Garden, it was nice, i enjoyed just being able to talk to her. I felt like i hadnt seen her in a long time.

More in a bit... lol, my entries are never long.

Laurel, I could stare into your eyes all nite. They are so beautiful.
Thank you. :)

As you wish...
Forever changing, some things come and go. others are here to stay, if we want them to does that mean that it will be?

As you wish.

What is this, pent up emotion, not knowing how to express? No matter what i say to myself i cant stop that. Forever next time, i have a weak will. lets try this again.

Moving... getting everything packed up, first i didnt care what happened. that this just seemed like another week. Is it?

For so long... its been so far away... now it changed? What changed in them, surely it wasnt only the pets, i mean before they were not a problem, idk.

It is ... different. Why code, only a few read, even less care. This feeling will pass. I just miss Laurel, didnt get to talk to her much.

Dont want to lose anything, dont want to lose her. the more i worry, more chance it might happen from me worrying. ~~STOP WORRYING~~ maybe i will.

moving from my past, its still with me, parts of it i can recall at different points, changing from that, i may lose what i remembered. Back to where i was.

Ill give you a hug, Laurel. And ill be ok

Book
if your life is a book...

read into the beginning... it may not start out good, its confusing the characters begin to develop and familiarize themselves with the surroundings.

Things slowly start changing... some more rapidly and things get caught in between them.

What happened to that character? Is it still the same one for the now the past's future?

The story has gotten good. At a fairly good spot. Will it continue or grow worse from here. We can write our own stories, im not letting this pass by.

I can tell what it is, i kno what i want.

Tease me.

Remember the lost time, find the part that you found waisted.

What is different now? Is anything really different? What changed. Why do they seem that way if not.

1 thing had changed. Concentrate on it, it brings hope.

That there is something that will be better, make things ok.

If nothing else than what is the difference. The difference is you...

All these people, the faceless faces, come and gone, bright no longer, a few remain, but slowly fade away. Only a few are here to stay.

When will the time fade, wash away the rest of this. It never will.

But maybe just maybe... always seems that way,

bring on the past. future is on hold. find the present.

bring back home, find the answer. set out again.

All the anger, all the hate, all the distrust. it makes me sick. Why can no one see, or do they just not care.

keep on living, dont let it bother you, if its not shown... does it not exist?

its there no matter what, whether hidden or not.

Nothing is erased, at most covered up, but a tip always sticks out.

Make with the past, realize your present, find the future.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
mindless words yet again. When will it stop.

Laurel I miss you.

Update...
I found a kitty, i dont know how owners can just abandon their pets; i find it very cruel. I found him under a car one night, he wouldnt let me hold him, then i saw him the next day. i knew i should get him. Hes a sweetie.

Look back to the beginning, and forward to the end. Do the ends justify the means? or the means justify the ends? <<-- can u justify your answer?

What does history teach us but that everything ends in a war.

Cherish your moments. Let the people close to you know you care for them. Enjoy it, love it, remember it,

if u lose the memories you lose your feelings, erasing your past ... only erases your future, you cant change who people are without destorying who they were.

Religion has the highest death rate it seems. So many wars over such a contoversial idea.

No point to this entry.... only i got a kitty. :)

Laurel likes him, he matches butters, sleep now...

You and me...
These new bands make me smile... they were all from you.

Mike enjoys them as well. For his reason may be different than mine though.

I thank you for all of these new experiences with the theme parks, music and so much more.

This time went by slow, only a portion remains, but this part will seem the longest as it only makes sense.

So many pictures, all of them memories, do i take the extra pictures in an attempt to remember the soon forgotten memories?

How much have a forgotten of my past? Never did i try to erase it from at least that i can recall. I found out so many things that i have forgotten,
i hope to never forget my memories with you, if i ever feel i start to lose them, i will see if u can remind me, i would wish those to stay with me forever.

Laurel, you made my birthday special, from all the way across the U.S. You are just that special, and by far that amazing.

I cant wait to feel your warmth again, to rememeber the way i lose myself in your touch, you are all that matters, everything else melts away, its just you and me, all i can feel is your hands on mine, your breath as sweet as can be.

How u miss the things that are so small. But they seem to matter the most.

more...
2nd update.... almost in the same day. i think within 24 hours of one-another.

So, as usual. i was worrying for no reason. But i worry because i care. Because i could never dream of hurting you, for it would hurt me deeper than i will ever know.

These feelings are unexplainable, but i kno they are of love. I kno that they are true.

I long for the time when i can hold your hand... to walk with one another, maybe along a beach, through a park... anywhere. The who is all that matters, as long as im with you the where is unimportant.

i only feel sorry that of the day on 07/07/07 i would not be able to be in your arms. To be with the one person that always puts a smile on my face. And has brought joy to me more than i know.

These feelings are pure. I hope that i may stop making myself feel sorry. i have done it for so long. These habbits of mine are hard to break.

Im not used to good things. You took me by surprise. But i when i started to kno those days before ur birthday... i could not say it out loud. I thought it in my head. I will never know what the future brings. But i know that the past and present have already brought me so much. it has brought me you.

:)

Laurel Marie Hogan, i love you.

The countdown begins....
8 days about left. The closer it gets the more anxious i get. The more i want to see you. To remember the feel of your arms around me, and mine around you. The feeling that i get when i hold your hand. I miss the smallest of things. These feelings become clearer every day.

Why did i do that. I am sorry. I dont know why, i kept u from sleep. I wont again.

I hope that u like your gift, i thought it was cute. My wish still remains.

When u are in my arms again, this storm inside my head will subside...

All i think about is you Laurel.

These feelings are undescribable :)

Been gone from california for... i think only a couple of days, but it feels like forever. I miss Laurel daily, and i cant wait to see her again and have her in my arms

It is fun seeing everyone again But everyone has something they arent saying.

We are surrounded by secrets, some good, some bad. everyone is in the dark wondering whos secret is the most revealing, whos secret will change everything.

Someone light the way.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have 1 wish for myself this year. But that is the wish i will not say, i will honor the wish rules and keep it in my head, take a breath and blow out that candle as i have every year wishing for some of the weirdest things. Things that as i look at them now, they seem like they are soo pointless and a waist.

What is considered to be what i should be thinking. We learned through science taht everyone is different. Emotions as well, these may not be what those adults want, but i cant help that i care.

This feeling is different, no matter how i try and look at it i see it.. When it can truely not be explained i kno that it is real.

Let us see where we land, let the trip continue until u think u are ready to land, take care and go slow so as not to land into turbulance.

I see what it is. I kno where the end is. The only thing left is when..

What are u willing to do for what u think. How far will u go to show what u know. What is there left to do. No matter what we do the past is there. embrace it. dont run away, dont try to cover it. It made you. Let it be.

The Blind Visionary...
Tried to fix the cars breaks today, everything seems to be going wrong with that car now, i may not even be able to drive it when i can drive.

While trying to change the breaks, 2 of the pegs that the nuts go onto broke off... so thats not good. Then the breaks failed for a minute.

And the whole time im doing it i just hope that it will work so i can prepare my "event/surprise" for Laurel tomorrow.

When i thought that i wasnt going to be able to... i was sad, i was surprised how sad i was, but it just confirmed what i already have known and embraced. I know now that it will be able to be done tomorrow, and hopefulyl she will like it.

Going to New Jersey to see my family in like a week. That will be fun, see my family, i hope Kyle is there, i really miss him. But i know that as soon as i leave, i will miss Laurel like crazy. But i guess that will just make it all the better when i get to see her when we return from the East Coast.

This feeling is undescribable. But it is also absolutely wonderful. It transcends from the heavens.

Current Music: Switchfoot

Take it all in...
Breathe in deeply, exhale slowly... how do you feel?

Let everything melt away, let all of your surroundings fade and only the breathing remains.

It is better now.

If you look deep enough, discover those not so hidden things about yourself.
Things that are obvious to you, may not always be to everyone else.

Can these things be real? Are we suppose to disclose them to the ones we have close? What will happen? is it right?

Questions are always raised, in the end we must just follow our heart and trust that this is real. Follow what you think and in the end you will be right where you wanna be.

It will be ok in the end.

But how do we get there? The ending is important, but its the journey that matters.

The journey shapes us, it makes us in our entirety.

How do we know that its the right path....

follow your heart.

Ok, i'll do that

Let's see whats next....

Current Mood: loved
Current Music: Story of the Year

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